A Journal of Art's Contemporaries
Vol. 4, No. 3.9 
Copyright © 1999 by Expansive Poetry & Music Online
April 1, 1999

Following the example of  a major poet's offer of $500 to anyone who helps him get a book published, four poets have offered $10,000 to anyone who will give them a major prize.   Riots broke out in several faculty lounges, according to unnamed sources.  Stepping into the fray, a young Wall Street clerk who claims to be working "in the grand tradition of Michael Milken," offered to set up a Pulitzer Prize auction where a committee of judges would accept sealed bids from poets across the country.  "We feel that accepting a sealed, high bid as the major credential of a winning contestant would guarantee objectivity of the judges in a way previously impossible," said the young broker.  A principal advisor on poetry to the Pulitzer Committee was said to be shocked.  Whether this was by the news or by her efforts to change a light bulb is not known at this time. 

The recently reported story that a full Greek text of Saphho was found in the late Judge Crater's wine cellar in Alexandria was a hoax, according to Luther Fox.  What was found in a sealed wine cask was the  body of Jimmy Hoffa, in whose vest pocket was a crumbled Mexican newspaper from 1973.  On page two of that newspaper was an announcement of a new book, Culture Vulture,  by Weldon Kees.  

An anonymous allegorical poem (can be seen on  the Grand Fenwick Poetry web site) suggests that New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani and First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton engaged in a torrid affair in the early 1970's, according to critics on the NY Post.  "The reference in the title is hardly subtle," remarked the poetry critic.  The title, by the way, is "The Staten Island Stallion Climbs Mt. Everest."  The poem is expected to be submitted to the Pulitzer Committee's anonymous poetry committee, of which little is known. 

Poet Ms. A. Nano reportedly paid Grandliloquent Press $20,000 to publish her chapbook  I've Got Tiny Machines Doing My Nails, believed to be a record.  Over twelve copies have been ordered in advance. 

The late Bishop Pike and Philip Dick will appear at Borders Books  on April 1st to discuss whether or not the late science fiction novelist ever wrote a roman a clef about the late Bishop Pike. 

Clyde Barrow University Press will raise prices on new books of poetry.  Said the publisher through a committee of spokespeople:  "We feel $19.95 is a good price for a 12 page chapbook and is not a major increase from $5.  The old price barely covered the cost of our annual Specially Selected Nonentities Reading Series.  For hardbacks, our standard discounted  price will only increase to $95.99 for non-subsidized titles.  Buy both titles and get a 10% discount!" 

W.J. Clinton, reported last spring to be a major poet-on-the-make, proved to be a President-on-the-make just recently.  In celebration of his not-guilty verdict in the Senate of the United States, W.J. Clinton and Clyde Barrow University Press have brought out the confessional epic She Was Hot, Hillary, But I Still Love You.  ($95.99, proceeds to be donated to the Clinton Defense Fund)  Clinton's first book was a total sell-out but few can remember what it was called or what it was about. 

Ishmael Reed and Alice Walker announced wedding plans for next October to a shocked crowd in Las Vegas.  However, Reed, a plumber from Los Angeles, and Walker, a bank officer from Anchorage, said that it was all a misunderstanding that started with a bad bet and an argument in a bookstore. "I just don't care for all of that pipe," said Walker.  Reed, however, noted that he was considering a career change, but that he regretted the likelihood of not being able to use his favorite tools in Ms. Walker's bank.  Meanwhile, pastor William Carlson had twenty-three straight passes and cashed in $142K in chips. 

Robert Darling received the Good Shepherd Award from the American Felinological Society.   Presenter R.S. Gwynn noted that it was the first time in the society's history that the prize had been won by a human being.  An investigation was said to be in progress on a scene littered with clues.  Professor Darling refused the offer of a leash. 

The New York journal Staten Island Stallion sent forty-three rejection notices to the same author on the same day.   The author, believed to be in shock, vanished without a trace.  Early results from an investigation show that the victim had not even sent work to the unnamed journal.   The editor, however, was given a bonus check by the publisher who was pleased by the increase in the editor's productivity. 

It was announced on Tuesday that the Soviet Writers Congress is still disbanded.   Several university departments of English offered a rebuttal. 

Mathematician David Berlinsky has joined a university English Department as an adjunct.  The two-time nominee for the Nobel Prize was praised as "having nearly octupled the intellectual skills of the department."  Berlinsky will teach a course in basic skills and be paid approximately 1/40th of the salary of a tenured associate professor. 

Physicist Gene Mallove was scalded when his gin and tonic glass exploded at a cocktail party celebrating National Poetry Month.  He noted from his hospital bed, "I finally repeated the results from the Utah experiment but I lost my drink in the process."  AEC officials, having blocked off the area, said the presence of radioactive nucleotides was unrelated to Mallove's claim of cold gin and tonic fusion.  Said a spokeperson: "The limes from his drink were the worst affected; we are certain they were grown in soil contaminated by the Chernobyl incident." 

A spokesman for Tetons Faux, a major seller of infant formula in developing nations, announced a $5 million dollar grant for a poetry contest and three-hour elective at a major university.  The theme for both will be the positive aspects of genital mutilation, still widely practiced in parts of an area where Tetons Faux  hopes to increase its market share from ten to forty percent. 

Attempting to prove there was no objective reality, a writer jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge early one Thursday, now generally accepted as being  March 14, 1974.  His analyst acknowledged that the author believed himself to be Weldon Kees.  His body was not found.  However;, the analyst's couch was wet. 
            Page last updated April 1, 1999