PULITZER PRIZE
AUCTION?
Following the example of a major poet's offer of $500 to anyone who
helps him get a book published, four poets have offered $10,000 to anyone
who will give them a major prize. Riots broke out in several
faculty lounges, according to unnamed sources. Stepping into the
fray, a young Wall Street clerk who claims to be working "in the grand
tradition of Michael Milken," offered to set up a Pulitzer Prize auction
where a committee of judges would accept sealed bids from poets across
the country. "We feel that accepting a sealed, high bid as the major
credential of a winning contestant would guarantee objectivity of the judges
in a way previously impossible," said the young broker. A principal
advisor on poetry to the Pulitzer Committee was said to be shocked.
Whether this was by the news or by her efforts to change a light bulb is
not known at this time.
The recently reported story that a full Greek text of Saphho was found
in the late Judge Crater's wine cellar in Alexandria was a hoax, according
to Luther Fox. What was found in a sealed wine cask was the
body of Jimmy Hoffa, in whose vest pocket was a crumbled Mexican newspaper
from 1973. On page two of that newspaper was an announcement of a
new book, Culture Vulture, by Weldon Kees.
An anonymous allegorical poem (can be seen on the Grand Fenwick
Poetry web site) suggests that New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani and First Lady
Hillary Rodham Clinton engaged in a torrid affair in the early 1970's,
according to critics on the NY Post. "The reference in the title
is hardly subtle," remarked the poetry critic. The title, by the
way, is "The Staten Island Stallion Climbs Mt. Everest." The poem
is expected to be submitted to the Pulitzer Committee's anonymous poetry
committee, of which little is known.
Poet Ms. A. Nano reportedly paid Grandliloquent Press $20,000 to publish
her chapbook I've Got Tiny Machines Doing My Nails, believed
to be a record. Over twelve copies have been ordered in advance.
The late Bishop Pike and Philip Dick will appear at Borders Books
on April 1st to discuss whether or not the late science fiction novelist
ever wrote a roman a clef about the late Bishop Pike.
Clyde Barrow University Press will raise prices on new books of poetry.
Said the publisher through a committee of spokespeople: "We feel
$19.95 is a good price for a 12 page chapbook and is not a major increase
from $5. The old price barely covered the cost of our annual Specially
Selected Nonentities Reading Series. For hardbacks, our standard
discounted price will only increase to $95.99 for non-subsidized
titles. Buy both titles and get a 10% discount!"
W.J. Clinton, reported last spring to be a major poet-on-the-make,
proved to be a President-on-the-make just recently. In celebration
of his not-guilty verdict in the Senate of the United States, W.J. Clinton
and Clyde Barrow University Press have brought out the confessional epic
She Was Hot, Hillary, But I Still Love You. ($95.99, proceeds
to be donated to the Clinton Defense Fund) Clinton's first book was
a total sell-out but few can remember what it was called or what it was
about.
Ishmael Reed and Alice Walker announced wedding plans for next October
to a shocked crowd in Las Vegas. However, Reed, a plumber from Los
Angeles, and Walker, a bank officer from Anchorage, said that it was all
a misunderstanding that started with a bad bet and an argument in a bookstore.
"I just don't care for all of that pipe," said Walker. Reed, however,
noted that he was considering a career change, but that he regretted the
likelihood of not being able to use his favorite tools in Ms. Walker's
bank. Meanwhile, pastor William Carlson had twenty-three straight
passes and cashed in $142K in chips.
Robert Darling received the Good Shepherd Award from the American Felinological
Society. Presenter R.S. Gwynn noted that it was the first time
in the society's history that the prize had been won by a human being.
An investigation was said to be in progress on a scene littered with clues.
Professor Darling refused the offer of a leash.
The New York journal Staten Island Stallion sent forty-three
rejection notices to the same author on the same day. The author,
believed to be in shock, vanished without a trace. Early results
from an investigation show that the victim had not even sent work to the
unnamed journal. The editor, however, was given a bonus check
by the publisher who was pleased by the increase in the editor's productivity.
It was announced on Tuesday that the Soviet Writers Congress is still
disbanded. Several university departments of English offered
a rebuttal.
Mathematician David Berlinsky has joined a university
English Department as an adjunct. The two-time nominee for the Nobel
Prize was praised as "having nearly octupled the intellectual skills of
the department." Berlinsky will teach a course in basic skills and
be paid approximately 1/40th of the salary of a tenured associate professor.
Physicist Gene Mallove was scalded when his gin and tonic glass exploded
at a cocktail party celebrating National Poetry Month. He noted from
his hospital bed, "I finally repeated the results from the Utah experiment
but I lost my drink in the process." AEC officials, having blocked
off the area, said the presence of radioactive nucleotides was unrelated
to Mallove's claim of cold gin and tonic fusion. Said a spokeperson:
"The limes from his drink were the worst affected; we are certain they
were grown in soil contaminated by the Chernobyl incident."
A spokesman for Tetons Faux, a major seller of infant formula in developing
nations, announced a $5 million dollar grant for a poetry contest and three-hour
elective at a major university. The theme for both will be the positive
aspects of genital mutilation, still widely practiced in parts of an area
where Tetons Faux hopes to increase its market share from ten to
forty percent.
Attempting to prove there was no objective reality, a writer jumped
off the Golden Gate Bridge early one Thursday, now generally accepted as
being March 14, 1974. His analyst acknowledged that the author
believed himself to be Weldon Kees. His body was not found.
However;, the analyst's couch was wet.
|